This time of year I start feeling sentimental. Maybe it's because both of our Ukrainian adoptions came to fruition in late fall. We traveled in November 2006 to adopt Andrii, Anna, and Jordan. Then 2 years ago we traveled to Ukraine again in late October to bring Slava home. And we just celebrated Slava's 7th birthday on Oct. 16th! It amazes me that he's been here 2 years, yet we cannot imagine family life without him. However, life has changed considerably since his arrival! We thought adopting one child would be a piece of cake since our previous experience bringing 3 home just clicked miraculously. But this little guy turned out to be waaayyyy more difficult then we had expected. Not that we were surprised, after all I had done lots of research on the challenges of children adopted from orphanages. But, we were not really expecting it to be so hard.
Tumble Time!
This is a typical school morning. It was about 8am and Jordan (blue) & Slava (black) were doing flips on a gymnastics mat. This type of sensory activity is excellent for Slava.
Slava & Daddy in Ukraine 2 years ago.
Slava has changed so much and has come such a long way in 2 years. When we first got him he was like a wild animal. Now I know that was partly from fear, language differences, fetal alcohol issues, sensory processing disorder, and some ADHD to make things interesting.
Every Guy Needs A Ford Truck!
This is what Slava wanted for his birthday and lots of family pitched in to make it happen. He drives it all over the place. When he woke up the morning of his birthday he came into my room and asked me, "Is Slava seben (7)?" I dramatically proclaimed "yes!" and started singing him Happy Birthday. He got all excited and said, "I love you guys!" We love you too Slava!
Slava on his Sit-and-Spin
He got the sit-and-spin for his birthday too from Aunt Becky and Uncle Aaron. I'd heard that this is an excellent sensory activity also. So what's with all this sensory stuff? Let me share a bit on our precious boy:
Since adopting Slava we've learned a lot. He was definitely much more difficult then the other kids even though he is a bio sibling. Why? Well, we know his bio mom drank alcohol extensively. It's one of the reasons why the Andrii and Anna were removed from the home at ages 5 and 3, parental rights were terminated and they were placed in a government orphanage in Ukraine. Then when their brother, Sergiy (our Jordan) was born he went from the maternity hospital to the orphanage which is where he was when we adopted him at age 3. Slava was born 2 years after Jordan (we discovered he was in the same orphanage but not yet actually available for adoption). Slava too went from the hospital directly into the baby orphanage. He remained there for 5 years until we were able to adopt him. Alcoholism is a destructive, progressive disease prevalent in Eastern Europe. So it only makes sense that the bio mom would drink more excessively over time, and that had huge impact on Slava.
We have been learning a lot in our efforts to help our son. One of the best books I've ever read on this topic is "The Well Connected Child" by Dr Karyn Purvis. It was so helpful that I even purchased some of the dvds that she has done with Texas Christian University. Wayne and I have learned so much that we even attended a conference taught by Dr. Purvis in Nashville back in September. The Empowered to Connect conference was excellent teaching that we feel not only benefits our family, but can help us to help other families too. Dr. Purvis refers to kids like Slava as "kids from hard places" and if a child is in foster care or an orphanage they are a kid from hard places. Slava surely qualifies as a "kid from hard places": he was exposed to alcohol in the womb, abandoned at birth, neglected in an orphanage for 5 years, and according to his social worker - most likely hit a lot in the orphanage. Any one of these categories would qualify him as a kid from hard places, and he has all of them. Fetal Alcohol issues effect brain development. Most likely that, combined with neglect in the orphanage during his formative years, triggered the Sensory issues. Slava is sensory seeking, which means he craves stimulation: all the banging, hitting, loudness, constant motion, and other things are not because he's naughty but because he needs stimulation in order for his brain to process information. But there is hope. Many adoptive families believe love is all they need. Well, yes, love is an important part of the process, but it is not enough. Really helping kids like Slava to connect with the world around them requires love but also an understanding of where they've been and what they've been through and how that impacts everything about them. All of the above traumas that Slava has experienced in his childhood had a profound effect on brain development, which in turn has a huge impact on behavior. So understanding that a child is not "bad" or being bad, but that his behavior is due to faulty wiring. We must re-wire this child and that takes educating parents and the hard work and commitment involved in the process. Yes, love, hard work, and the Lord. Without the sustaining power of the Holy Spirit we just couldn't do this. And we've seen powerful breakthroughs. Discernment that the Lord provides is crucial too.
Just this week we discovered that Slava had an infected tooth. We only realized it when he woke up one morning with the side of his face swollen. I asked him if his tooth hurt, and he said, "Yeah, pretty badly." Now mind you, up until that moment he'd never once complained of any pain at all. A trip to the dentist revealed he had an abscess and needed antibiotic before the the tooth could be fixed. It was the same tooth that had to have root canal and filling within the first 2 weeks that he was home from Ukraine. The filling must have cracked and bacteria got in or something. After 5 days on the meds we went back to the dentist where she cleaned it out, drained the abscess, and put a temporary filling in. He had to stay on the antibiotic, but within 5 days we were back at the dentist having the tooth pulled. During those 5 days Slava still didn't complain of the pain, but I have learned to ask him if it hurt. And every time I asked, he'd tell me it hurt "pretty badly". I also noticed that he was sticking his fingers in his mouth a lot. Looking back to before we discovered the infection, I now realize he's been sticking his fingers in his mouth a lot, and his behavior had been worse then usual. He'd been doing a lot of hitting, slamming doors, and even started kicking. Now I realize that the pain was triggering the behaviors. Why didn't he just ever say that his tooth hurt? Well, when you spend the first 5 years of your life in an orphanage, and nobody ever comes when you cry (whether you cry because you're sick, in pain, hungry, or scared) - you learn that nobody will come, so you stop crying. In the past 2 years we've poured love and attention on Slava. We connect with him as a parent would an infant - going back and giving him what he should have had in those formative years. He has bonded with us. But does he trust us yet, maybe not completely. I believe the day will come when he will know that he can tell us what he needs knowing we will give it to him.
We are absolutely in love with our little Slava. All the hard work is worth it, and we have no regrets. We could not do this without the Lord or without our family. It takes a whole team of us working together to get through the days. We run this race with endurance, keeping our eyes on the prize. For we know that the Lord placed each of our kids in our family exactly where He wanted them. Knowing that, and knowing where they'd be and what their future would have been like without having been adopted....we fight the good fight.
